A Little Bit Brave

I don't like busy. There are big things--elections and terrorism and school shootings. But there are also things that seem small--biology tests, writing speeches, keeping the kitchen clean. The noise that was once in the background grows, quietly growing until it's all I can hear. This is the busiest I've been in my life. It's my senior year of high school, and there's so much to do. I have dual credit classes, speeches, more speeches, work, writing, more writing. Which is why I haven't written a blog post in almost two months. I don't know how to be busy. I need time to slow down, take a breath. If I don't have time, I get anxious and I'm still learning how to handle anxiety. I barely know how to talk about it. There's another reason I haven't written here in so long. I haven't been sure about what I wanted to write. I've had writer's block with a lot of things lately. People think I'm good with words bec...

We've all heard it said that "home is where the heart is." In my loneliest moments, crying on my bathroom floor, the cry of my heart has been I want to go home.  It didn't matter where I was. It didn't have much to do with who was with me. I wanted to feel home. There's more to home than where our heart is. Our heart can be anywhere. I know my heart has been with the wrong people before. It's been focused on the wrong things before. My heart has been wrong before. My heart is wrong a lot. Our hearts are fickle. They change so often, especially as teenagers. We think we know what we're doing, we think we know what we want. But things change and suddenly what we thought we knew is gone; what we wanted is broken. In the last year I feel like I've watched person after person get exactly what I wanted. It's broken my heart again and again. If our home is where our heart is, our home is on fragile ground. When I started writing this, I wa...

I don't usually write responses to these sorts of things, even the biggest ones. Not because I don't care, but because I don't ever know what to say. But this time it hit 20 minutes from my house. Twelve police officers, twelve people shot, five killed. In Dallas. How many times can we stick #BlackLivesMatter or #BlueLivesMatter or #AllLivesMatter on our tweets before we actually realize that's true? The value of life can't be summed up in a million hashtags. Prejudice exists, and it's good that we've brought attention to that. But now all we're doing is bringing attention to it instead of fixing the problem. The problem didn't start with gunshots and protests. It didn't start with national outrage or Twitter trends. It started with hearts. It started with people. It started with people who didn't know the value in others. Maybe because they didn't know the value in themselves. The more we shout "#LIVESMATTER," the le...

If you buy this product, you will be beautiful. If you wear this outfit, you will be sexy. If you listen to this music, you will be popular. If you act like nothing bothers you, you will be accepted. If you do what he wants, you will be loved You will be enough. *~*~* In the last few weeks, I've learned how hard youth ministry really is. And I haven't seen the half of it. It shouldn't have surprised me. I've seen today's TV shows, heard the music, read books, watched commercials, listened to my friends. I've seen, heard, experienced the lies. We're constantly being told to want more, be more, do more. The bombardment of demands and standards and expectations is insane. A few days ago, the internet at my house went out. Yes, the great American tragedy. No Instagram, no Netflix, no Youtube. We don't have cable anymore either. Terrible right? (No. It's not. I highly recommend taking a few days off from the Internet. You...

I want to make Youtube videos. Technically, all I need to do that is a webcam and any account connected to Google. However I want a little more quality than that. I got a wonderful camera for Christmas (I mean it's not a Canon 70D but 1.2k isn't chump change). It's really cute and I love it. But it didn't exactly come with editing software. Or a new laptop. Or magic that makes my laptop even slightly more competent. You see, my laptop is a potato (aka it's a hand-me-down from my sister and let's just say there's a good reason she got a new laptop). I filmed and edited a video that I am very proud of but MY LAPTOP WON'T SAVE IT PROPERLY. And I am outraged. Backstory time: When I was just a lil 16-year-old, I started watching Youtube videos that weren't just Blimey Cow  (still love me some BC tho). Katie Gregoire and Chris Howard and Kirby Minnick  had channels I loved and I was like "yo I can do that." The first time I though...

Hi Mom, Today's Mother's Day, as you could probably tell by the hoard of men in the greeting card section of the grocery store. While those greeting cards are great and can definitely make me cry, I'd rather use my own words (in addition to the card because I didn't want to seem cheap). Of my many, many talents (like, three talents), writing is one. Buying nice, thoughtful gifts is not. Also, having money to buy nice wood flooring is also out of my skill range. So here's a blog post, for free (Dad would like that so win/win). There are lot's of things that I could say, but I don't want this to be a discombobulated mess. I guess we'll see how this goes. You've been making me food for forever. It's a good thing too, because my breakfast cooking skills are limited to frozen sausage and canned biscuits. Seriously, it's a disaster when I try to make cream of wheat (turns out there's a difference between salt and sugar. Go figure). And ...

Sixteen was waking up feeling like I could take on the world. Sixteen was dreaming about the future that I was sure would happen. Sixteen was loosing that future and finding a better one. Sixteen was taking one step forward. Sixteen was watching Youtube videos and thinking "I could do that." Sixteen was listening to Tori Kelly. Sixteen was living my dream of seeing Tori Kelly live. Sixteen was loosing friends. Sixteen was finding better friends. Sixteen was falling on my knees because I had nowhere else to go. Sixteen was crying and hurt. And laughter and mercy. Sixteen was finding genuine confidence. Sixteen was skater skirts and flower crowns. Sixteen was heartbreak. Sixteen was joy anyway. Sixteen was a little bit brave. Seventeen is a mystery. I can't wait to see what it holds.