A Letter to My Suicidal Thoughts

Audio recording of poem.

Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts.

Dear Hadley,

you screw up.

you broken wreck.

you somehow have 

the audacity to get up in the morning.

Dear Hadley,

don’t get up.

sometimes, you remember what it’s like

to feel the sun

and feel rain

and feel like you want to keep going.

Dear Hadley,

Don’t keep going

maybe you don’t,

but your skin remembers the name

of every blade that has crossed

your hands remember the steering wheel.

your eyes recognize every overpass.

your neck and fingertips are well acquainted

from checking your pulse and

trying to stop your pulse

the body keeps the score

and you are lit up with numbers

what happened to your arms, Hadley?

what did you to your arms, Hadley?

what have you done, Hadley?

Hadley, Hadley

say your name until it’s meaningless.

turn out the lights

until you only see an exit sign.

you can list your friends’ names

imagine your family’s tears

remember your therapist’s affirmations.

none of it is enough to lift the weight,

Hadley,

isn’t this weight unbearable?

Hadley,

just let—

Dear Suicide,

you are not friend.

you are not red exit sign.

you are not getaway car.

my palms remember

the hands that have held mine.

my scars are just scars.

no, i cannot see all those beautiful reasons to live

i cannot see tomorrow

but a blind person doesn’t have to see stars

to know the sun exists.

in training for a hiking trip,

my friend did stair hops 

with fifty pounds of textbooks on her back

i forgot what it’s like to walk without

fifty pounds of self-hate on my back

you are the weight on my back.

Dear Hadley,

you are just an emergency,

a siren waiting to go off.

just let it go off.

you are broken.

you are terminal.

i can see your expiration date.

Dear Hadley,

look at yourself, at your wrist.

you are

victim,

perpetrator,

scene of the crime.

Dear Hadley,

you are both ends of the weapon.

Dear Suicide,

i am a human being.

i bear the image of God

and the love of Christ.

i am survivor.

let the sirens go off because

that means help is on the way.

i am asking for help

Dear Suicide,

you are the ugliest name i know

you are saltwater in mouth

promising satisfaction but ripping my body apart.

i am in pieces.

Dear Suicide,

i met you first through a friend.

she didn’t speak your name

but you took the light from her eyes

Dear Suicide,

when she told us she tried to kill herself,

a room full of kind hearts broke

under the weight of guilt,

but Suicide,

you are the monster 

not her, not us, not me.

Dear Hadley,

you are not strong enough.

you only kill me by killing yourself.

what makes you think you can

get out of this alive?

Dear Hadley,

Dear Scars,

Dear Broken—

Dear Suicide,

my name is Hadley Grace.

my scars prove i am alive.

these cracks are where the light shines through

and i am lighthouse

i am not strong enough,

but my God is bigger than you,

my body is still breathing,

and you do not own my mind.

Dear Suicide,

sometimes, i think you are

friend

exit sign

light at the end of the tunnel.

Dear Suicide,

sometimes, i want you.

sometimes, i love you.

Dear Hadley,

i love you more.

{after the poet Daniel’s “A Letter to My Eating Disorder."}