Saturday, October 01, 2016

Let This Be Where I Die

I don't like busy.

There are big things--elections and terrorism and school shootings. But there are also things that seem small--biology tests, writing speeches, keeping the kitchen clean. The noise that was once in the background grows, quietly growing until it's all I can hear.

This is the busiest I've been in my life. It's my senior year of high school, and there's so much to do. I have dual credit classes, speeches, more speeches, work, writing, more writing. Which is why I haven't written a blog post in almost two months.

I don't know how to be busy. I need time to slow down, take a breath. If I don't have time, I get anxious and I'm still learning how to handle anxiety. I barely know how to talk about it.

There's another reason I haven't written here in so long. I haven't been sure about what I wanted to write. I've had writer's block with a lot of things lately.

People think I'm good with words because I'm a writer. And sometimes, I feel that way. Other times, there are a hundred thousand things running through my mind and I don't know what words to say and what words to write and what words to forget.

I don't really like having a lot going on.

Maybe I'm just lazy, or maybe I just like quiet. I prefer listening or writing to speaking. It takes me time to figure out everything in my head.

The worst, though, is that I get so caught up in thinking about everything I have to do, and trying to figure out how I'm going to do everything I have to do, I forget to pause. I forget to take a moment and come close to my King. I forget to start my 6:30AM days with time in His presence. And I become exhausted, stressed, anxious.

With Him, there is peace, hope, grace. He tells me I don't have to get everything right, I don't have to be perfect

|| "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." -Galatians 2:20 ||

I have been crucified with Christ.

My brokenness, my sin, my inadequacies, myself. Nailed to the cross.

I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.

I don't have to define myself by my poor communication skills, or anxiety, or fear, or sin, or what my shame tells me is my definition.

The life I now lie in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God.

My heart isn't mine. My faith is not in myself. My identity is not my past. I am found in faith in the Son of God.

I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

I am not who I was because Jesus loved me enough to say, "I'm not going to let you stay here. I have something better for you."

How easy it is to forget how much better He is. So right now, I want to let go, let the castles of brick I built fall. I want this to be where I die, crucified with Christ, so that it may be Him living in me. 

O let this be where I die

My Lord with thee crucified

Be lifted high as my kingdoms fall

Once and for all, once and for all


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