Finding Faith in the Middle of Doubt
Remember who God is, who He has shown Himself to be to you. How has God shown Himself to you?
My friends sat on either of the table, their attention trained on me. I wished we were in a dorm room lit by fairy lights, sitting on the floor with finals to worry about. Cafeterias don’t have the same level of comfort or aesthetic. I wished we could go back in time, to when I lived across the hall or in the same dorm as these friends.
But here? I could barely remember that time. My memory was narrowed to the last three weeks. And the last three weeks were not good. In the last three weeks, I couldn’t see very many reasons to keep going. As those three weeks stretched into five months, there were moments I couldn’t see any reasons to keep going.
I knew a lot of Bible verses. One stuck out, glaring and obnoxious: Jeremiah 29:11. Now, I’m not one to drag the Bible, seeing as how I believe in it. I know that God knows the plans He has for me, plans for a hope and a future. All that good stuff.
I trip up, though, when I hear that. A future? Sure. A future and a hope? I doubt it.
The last year has been outlined by doubt. In my nearly 20 years of going-to-church experience, I haven’t experienced a lot of talk about doubt. Maybe that’s why, when I started to feel it, I thought there was something wrong with me.
I’ve been reading Psalms a lot lately. There’s a lot of doubt in Psalms. Lots of “O Lord, why have you forgotten me?” and “I’m eating my own tears” and “My soul is downcast like, all the time.” And not every psalm ends with “...but God is faithful.”
And yeah. God is faithful. God is faithful. God is--
Kind of confusing sometimes.
The Bible contains promises of peace and hope and rest. That seems great until life happens. Life happens and I get anxious and hopeless and tired. Life happens and I wonder where God even is and why He left me here.
Here I raise my Ebenezer,
Hither by thy help I’ve come.
“Ebenezer” is the name of the monument the prophet Samuel put up to memorialize a victory against the Philistines (1 Samuel 7). The Israelites did stuff like this a lot. This particular rock was named stone of help. Samuel calls it this, saying, “Thus far the Lord has helped us” (7:12).
That night in the cafeteria, my friend wrote in my notebook: “Remember who God is, who He has shown Himself to be to you.”
Remember. When our present is confusing and God seems absent, remember. Intentionally look for how God has been present in our past. This isn’t the cure for doubt, but I think it is the safeguard of faith.
The Israelites kind of sucked at remembering. I kind of do too.
I haven’t trusted God very much in the last several months. Going into church or chapel, my anxiety would spike. Everyone else could sing the songs and read the verses and believe. I could barely get my voice out of my throat, could barely open my Bible. But each time a song started and I thought “I’m not sure I believe that’s true,” I remembered something another friend said in a poem:
Maybe I’m alone in this, but when it comes to my circumstances I think I pray for delivery before I pray for your glory, Lord. / And even more? / I often find it hard to align the belief that God has a future and a hope for me. / So sometimes we just sing until we believe.
This wasn’t an attempt to stifle doubt, but to face it.
I don’t like getting my hopes up because I don’t like getting disappointed. I sing about how God is "never gonna let me down” while mentally listing all the times God has let me down. But if I think about it a little longer, I start remembering. I remember how God was good in the bad. How He protected me. How He provided for me.
And now. I long for Him to show up again. I write a lot of poetry. I like metaphors, I guess. But they get pretty exhausting when that’s the only thing anyone has to offer. I’m tired of metaphors about fire and darkness and storms. I just to know how God is here. Actually here. Actually doing something.
But I don’t think we’re supposed to focus on what God does.
Remember who God is, who He has shown Himself to be to you. How has God shown Himself to you?
I think we need to remember who God is.
I don’t think we always need God to do something.
I think we need God.
In our worst moments, the Lord doesn’t always choose to fix the situation. He desires closeness with us. Yeah, He does amazing, miraculous things. But why? To bring Himself glory and to show us love. A lot of the time, love is best displayed in simple presence, in God teaching us to depend on Him, in Jesus reminding us that all we need is Him.
And look forward to who He will prove Himself to be tomorrow & the day after.
This is faith. Remember and look forward. Choosing these things when doubt is suffocating. Singing until I believe. Desiring Jesus and not just what Jesus can do for me.
Here I raise my Ebenezer. The Lord has helped me up to this point.
I will remember.
I will believe.
My friends sat on either of the table, their attention trained on me. I wished we were in a dorm room lit by fairy lights, sitting on the floor with finals to worry about. Cafeterias don’t have the same level of comfort or aesthetic. I wished we could go back in time, to when I lived across the hall or in the same dorm as these friends.
But here? I could barely remember that time. My memory was narrowed to the last three weeks. And the last three weeks were not good. In the last three weeks, I couldn’t see very many reasons to keep going. As those three weeks stretched into five months, there were moments I couldn’t see any reasons to keep going.
I knew a lot of Bible verses. One stuck out, glaring and obnoxious: Jeremiah 29:11. Now, I’m not one to drag the Bible, seeing as how I believe in it. I know that God knows the plans He has for me, plans for a hope and a future. All that good stuff.
I trip up, though, when I hear that. A future? Sure. A future and a hope? I doubt it.
The last year has been outlined by doubt. In my nearly 20 years of going-to-church experience, I haven’t experienced a lot of talk about doubt. Maybe that’s why, when I started to feel it, I thought there was something wrong with me.
I’ve been reading Psalms a lot lately. There’s a lot of doubt in Psalms. Lots of “O Lord, why have you forgotten me?” and “I’m eating my own tears” and “My soul is downcast like, all the time.” And not every psalm ends with “...but God is faithful.”
And yeah. God is faithful. God is faithful. God is--
Kind of confusing sometimes.
The Bible contains promises of peace and hope and rest. That seems great until life happens. Life happens and I get anxious and hopeless and tired. Life happens and I wonder where God even is and why He left me here.
Here I raise my Ebenezer,
Hither by thy help I’ve come.
“Ebenezer” is the name of the monument the prophet Samuel put up to memorialize a victory against the Philistines (1 Samuel 7). The Israelites did stuff like this a lot. This particular rock was named stone of help. Samuel calls it this, saying, “Thus far the Lord has helped us” (7:12).
That night in the cafeteria, my friend wrote in my notebook: “Remember who God is, who He has shown Himself to be to you.”
Remember. When our present is confusing and God seems absent, remember. Intentionally look for how God has been present in our past. This isn’t the cure for doubt, but I think it is the safeguard of faith.
The Israelites kind of sucked at remembering. I kind of do too.
I haven’t trusted God very much in the last several months. Going into church or chapel, my anxiety would spike. Everyone else could sing the songs and read the verses and believe. I could barely get my voice out of my throat, could barely open my Bible. But each time a song started and I thought “I’m not sure I believe that’s true,” I remembered something another friend said in a poem:
Maybe I’m alone in this, but when it comes to my circumstances I think I pray for delivery before I pray for your glory, Lord. / And even more? / I often find it hard to align the belief that God has a future and a hope for me. / So sometimes we just sing until we believe.
This wasn’t an attempt to stifle doubt, but to face it.
I don’t like getting my hopes up because I don’t like getting disappointed. I sing about how God is "never gonna let me down” while mentally listing all the times God has let me down. But if I think about it a little longer, I start remembering. I remember how God was good in the bad. How He protected me. How He provided for me.
And now. I long for Him to show up again. I write a lot of poetry. I like metaphors, I guess. But they get pretty exhausting when that’s the only thing anyone has to offer. I’m tired of metaphors about fire and darkness and storms. I just to know how God is here. Actually here. Actually doing something.
But I don’t think we’re supposed to focus on what God does.
Remember who God is, who He has shown Himself to be to you. How has God shown Himself to you?
I don’t think we always need God to do something.
I think we need God.
In our worst moments, the Lord doesn’t always choose to fix the situation. He desires closeness with us. Yeah, He does amazing, miraculous things. But why? To bring Himself glory and to show us love. A lot of the time, love is best displayed in simple presence, in God teaching us to depend on Him, in Jesus reminding us that all we need is Him.
And look forward to who He will prove Himself to be tomorrow & the day after.
This is faith. Remember and look forward. Choosing these things when doubt is suffocating. Singing until I believe. Desiring Jesus and not just what Jesus can do for me.
Here I raise my Ebenezer. The Lord has helped me up to this point.
I will remember.
I will believe.
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