What 2017 Means to Me

When I look back at where I was a year ago, I can't believe how much my life has changed.

Sitting at home after my first semester of college, I start thinking about exactly where I've been over the last 12 months. I see the fear and anxiety that burned. I see a girl who painted over her identity with insecurity and trust issues. I see a girl who let discouragement keep her from pursuing what she loved.

I didn't blog very much in 2017. It doesn't really make sense, because one of the few blog posts I wrote this year got a huge amount (for me) of views. You would think having a post with 20 times the usually number of views would inspire me to write more. Instead, I went exactly five months without posting anything. I wanted to be everything I saw other bloggers being, but I didn't think I could measure up. So I didn't write.

Words got harder. Despite them being my passion, I stopped believing they were worth anything. I was desperate to speak, but my mouth was dry and my lips glued shut.

Words are still hard. Posting these links on social media is a weird feeling for me. I want people to read what I write, I want them to be encouraged and uplifted, but I don't want to wave around the fact that I have a blog or that I write books and want to write more poetry.

What's easy is looking back on how little I wrote for this blog over 2017 and beating myself up for it. But what I've found is that that makes writing even more difficult. I've learned so much and been at a loss at how to express it. But I don't want that to be the case anymore.

What does 2017 mean to me? Growth.

If there's one thing I learned this year, and especially this semester, it's that there's so much I have to learn. And I'll always be learning.

Knowing that there's always room for growth has offered so much freedom. I don't have to have all the answers. I don't have to have the most amazing blog. I don't always have to be right. Learning means that I'm always coming closer to Christ.

This passage of scripture found in Philippians 3:12-14 has never felt more true to me than it has this semester:

"I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have made it. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back."

To me, 2017 means climbing. At the top of this hill, I see exactly how far I’ve come. And I see the next hill. This time, though, the hill doesn’t seem impossible. This ground I thought was built of disappointment is actually built of hope in the one who never disappoints.

This year, I learned to dance upon disappointment. When friendships end and relationships fall through, worship is the music to dance to. So I put down the paintbrushes of insecurities and trust issues. I let walls fall down, brick by brick. And, with the strength found in Christ, I use those bricks to start building bridges painted with grace and honesty.

Wherever the voyage of 2018 leads, the Lord is the wind in my sails. He is my safe place. May He be the refuge I run to when battles are fought. May He be the anchor that secures me when the storms crash over me. So here’s farewell to 2017, and one brave step toward 2018.

Lord, bring me closer to you. Stretch my faith, lead me to where I have to trust you more. Give me opportunities to grow in courage and be brave in relationships. May I love you more each day. This year is yours.