Thursday, February 11, 2016

How to be Miserable on Valentine's Day

I've never had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day.

Maybe that's just a side affect of never having a boyfriend ever. Whatever.

So it's the time of year when everyone's Instagram feed with either couple photos or photos of people complain-o-bragging about being single. Because you can't be happy on Valentine's Day if you're single. Or happy anytime. Because life is about relationships.

But seriously. Let's get down to business (to defeat the Huns). You want to be miserable on V-Day? Well, you're in luck because I have for a few very easy steps to accomplish this #goal:

1. Re-name Valentine's Day to "Singles Awareness Day"

This gives you full right to complain about how you don't have a significant other. Just like you'd talk about starving puppies on Starving Puppy Awareness Day (also known as Sad Sarah McLachlan Song Day), you must necessarily complain about how single you are on Singles Awareness Day. Because everyone should know how single you are so when that cute guy from youth group finally breaks up with his girlfriend, he'll know you're totally available.

2. Text/Call/Stalk Your Ex on Social Media

Send a passive aggressive text, leave an angry message, cry over all his/her pictures from three years ago, cry over all his/her pictures with his/her new significant other. Focus on your past relationships because they're all happy and you aren't. How dare they move on without you.
Bonus points if he/she is in a relationship and you're not.
Double bonus points if you send them this video.

3. Listen to Melodramatic Breakup Songs

If you want to be miserable and want motivation to call your ex, just listen to Adele's Hello a few times. You won't be able to resist the urge. Another option is the ultimate friend-zone song, On My Own from Les Miserables. And basically any Taylor Swift song.

4. Ignore All the Other Kinds of Love

Instead of celebrating your friendships, your family, and your adorable cat(s), just think about how single and sad you are and complain about it on social media (see step one). Definitely don't think about how loved you are by God, because that will put such a damper on your deep misery level. Make as huge a deal as possible about how you are very very single and drown yourself in chocolate ice-cream and candy boxes that are on super sale February 15.

And there you have it, four ways to be to totally miser--Wait. You don't want to be miserable? Probably because being miserable is, you know, miserable.

So maybe, instead of focusing on how single you are, you should focus on others. Be happy for people in relationships. Be happy for your friends who are also single because they can like, go bowling with you without being all sad because their significant other isn't there. Have a great time with your friends and family. Give other people candy or flowers. And if you are in a relationship, good for you! I hope it works out. (Also, don't be stupid or make bad decisions.)

You can be really miserable on Valentine's Day if you want to, or you could actually have a good time with friends and family and chocolate. It's your choice. And that's what's up. 

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