A Little Bit Brave

sometimes i wonder why i write. when i get to the end of poems, i usually just feel more emotional. i wonder why i have such a strong desire to share my poems with other people. what’s the point? it can’t be beauty, because these poems are storms, rarely sun showers. this art isn’t about wrapping my experiences and emotions in pretty metaphors and hoping someone gets impressed with the result. i carry a flashlight in the dark, praying that if i am not scared by my own shadows, someone else might join me here, and i won’t be alone anymore. maybe that’s all anyone wants. to find someone unafraid of the darkest shadows. sometimes i think poetry is hiding, using metaphors to give the illusion of vulnerability. perhaps the truth is that poetry is that flashlight. i start with my own shadows, letting the light find me. and when the light shines, you know that you’re not alone.  there are a lot of reasons i write poetry, but the reason i share it is so that you know you’re not alone. vu...

live recording of poem. last year,  I  got the pleasure of coming to inspired poet, and I heard a poet speak. and one of the things that she said was that we need to use our voices even if we ’ re afraid and even if it ’ s just a whisper. and I have a friend and mentor who has told me that  I  have something to say. and in our first session, my counselor told me, he reminded me that nobody has everything together. these are the things I want to tell you. and this is my whisper. ________________________________ here is the finished product on fluorescent light display you can see all the right brushstrokes from behind a measured line put on a platform because this is finished, i swear it is perfect         perfect         perfect a masterpiece on display because i know all the right places to hide. it is easier to hide. it is safer to  hide behind layers of dishonest truth i am okay     ...

Perfectionist is not a word I would have used to describe myself. Maybe that’s what should’ve told me that was exactly what I was. You see, I knew that I wasn’t called or supposed or able to be perfect. So, I denied that that was what I was striving for. I wanted excellence in everything, I wanted to make the most of my college education, I wanted to have it all in its exact place. Perfection is easy when you can hide, when you can locate the nearest exit. If you say just the right thing, you can lie while telling the truth. At the very least, you can talk about hard parts, the weak spots, and the pain in a way that makes it seem like you’re walking out of it and don’t need any help. I didn’t want to be weak . I spent this semester feeling weaker than ever. I kept writing fiction and poetry because it’s easier to hide behind the words of a character, easier to hide behind metaphor than actually say concrete words for myself. In real life, I mumbled because I couldn’t believe...

Listen. How deep the Father's love for us How vast beyond all measure That He should give His only Son To make a wretch His treasure Four-hundred years of silence. The Jewish people went through wars and conquests and bondage. They struggled to understand the purpose of the Law. They struggled to see God in the waiting. And here, there’s you. You see hard years and strife-filled families. You live wondering when things are going to get better. You fight the same battles, the same shame, sin, and scars. You struggle to see God in the waiting. They held to a promise. Pages of prophecy paving the path of the Messiah, the Anointed One, the Savior. And with angel’s word and sheep’s bleating, He came.  The fullest expression of God, born under a tyrant king and legalistic religious rule. How great the pain of searing loss The Father turns His face away As wounds which mar the Chosen One Bring many sons to glory ...

When I look back at where I was a year ago, I can't believe how much my life has changed. Sitting at home after my first semester of college, I start thinking about exactly where I've been over the last 12 months. I see the fear and anxiety that burned. I see a girl who painted over her identity with insecurity and trust issues. I see a girl who let discouragement keep her from pursuing what she loved. I didn't blog very much in 2017. It doesn't really make sense, because one of the few blog posts I wrote this year got a huge amount (for me) of views. You would think having a post with 20 times the usually number of views would inspire me to write more. Instead, I went exactly five months without posting anything. I wanted to be everything I saw other bloggers being, but I didn't think I could measure up. So I didn't write. Words got harder. Despite them being my passion, I stopped believing they were worth anything. I was desperate to speak, but my m...

Going to university terrified me. I had done well in community college classes. I had chosen a school 20 minutes from home. I had amazing friends at my home church. And I was scared. High school was tough for me, especially in terms of friendships. I was worried I would carry those problems into college. I've had crippling anxiety because of school before. I was worried that perfectionism would steal my joy. Every morning, I wake up a little earlier than I have to, and I spend time with God. How little I appreciated this habit before college. I read my Bible consistently long before I moved into my dorm. I listened to worship music. It was really good. But while I was at Gateway Student Conference in July, I heard God say to me, "this will be one of the hardest seasons of your life, but it won't be the same as other hard times. This time, you know I'm with you." I know this couldn't be a time I neglected my relationship with God. So many things--f...

Going to college for the first time brings a lot of changes. Many of those changes are amazing! However, there is one thing that should never change: how put together you are. With so many new people around you, you don't want to give the impression that your life isn't perfect. "Hadley," you may ask, "How do I make sure everyone thinks I have it all together?" I'm afraid this is no simple task, but here are a few tips to get you started. 1. Don't cry Maybe you are completely lost in your math class, and even though everyone else understands, you can't figure out what's going on. Perhaps your best friend posted on her story a video of her having the time of her life with a big group you weren't included. There's a chance you're having a terrible time figuring out financial aids and loans and feel like you're going to be in debt for there rest of your life. However, crying is not okay. Hold it back and deal with your prob...